I Hate You, I Love You
by Niamara
Summary: LJ drabble Ok, so today isn’t like any other day. The only similarities are Alice, still smiling knowingly beside me, and your eyes. Your beautiful, sparkling eyes that always let the smallest bit of mischievousness shine through... Focus, Lily.


**Disclaimer:**Nothing is mine – all is Jo's. Even James Potter, unfortunately.

**Thanks **go to Melissa for editing this, and also being the inspiration behind this fic during a boring day in chemistry!

…

Today is like any other day.

You are sitting in your seat two rows in front of me, talking amiably to Sirius, both of you having finished your NEWT level Transfiguration work for the period. Your hazel eyes are bright while you recount your tale, twinkling pleasantly behind your glasses, your black hair in casual disarray. I watch you, off in my own dream world, Alice smiling knowingly beside me while you are oblivious to my fixation.

Or, at least, that is what I'm trying to tell myself, because today, Janine Lawson has come to sit by you. Now you're telling her a story, but your hazel eyes are still animated behind your glasses. You evidently say something funny, for she laughs, her blue eyes showing their palpable desire for you. She flips her long, blond hair behind her shoulder and sighs, leaning over to touch your arm. Now I scowl at you instead of gaze, my jaw set in irritation.

Ok, so today isn't like any other day in Transfiguration. The only similarities are Alice, still smiling knowingly beside me, and your eyes. Your beautiful, sparkling eyes that always let the smallest bit of mischievousness shine through…

Focus, Lily.

I look back at you; you are smiling and laughing with Lawson.

I hate you. I hate you and your smile, your laugh, your beautiful eyes, your sense of humour, your intelligence…

No, that's not right. I hate how you are wasting your time on _her_. You can do so much better! She's probably making you lose IQ points with every passing second, but still you sit there, talking to her. She's probably boring you to death; you're probably wondering how you can escape talking to her right now.

But you look genuinely interested in your conversation. How can I really tell? How can I know that you're not interested in her, when everything you're doing right now leads me to believe that you are? Your eyes are twinkling; you're leaning forward, laughing with her, smiling at her…

I hate you.

I hate how you're flirting with her, not with me. I hate how you flirting with her is just making me want you more, making me want to be the one with whom you flirt, talk, and tell your deepest secrets. You make me want to be the one who is always on your mind, the one whose name you whisper at night before you fall asleep, and the first one you think of when you wake up in the morning.

I want to be your everything, and I hate you for that.

I do hate you, believe me. I hate how you are so observant of other people. With one look you can process anyone's mood and react accordingly. I hate how you glance over at me and immediately know something us up. I hate how your eyes make my legs feel weak, even when I'm sitting down. I hate how your face lights up when you notice the expression on mine, as if you are triumphant about something. There is no need to be triumphant, James Potter, because I do not love you.

I hate you.

Why are you still looking at me with that happy expression? Can't you read my thoughts? I said I hate you. You shouldn't be glad that someone hates you. It's unnatural.

The bell rings and the rest of the class gather their books, eager to leave the classroom. I know they must all be talking, but I can only hear you politely excuse yourself from the story Lawson was telling you, and see the furious expression in her eyes as she glares at you. I only see you as you walk towards me, heading for the door. I only see the twinkle in your eyes as you look down at me mischievously, making my stomach tighten in anticipation. I only hear you say, "Bye, Evans," before you walk out the door.

Alice is now positively beaming beside me, and maybe she's right: maybe I don't hate you.

But I do hate how much I love you.

* * *

_A/N: _Ok, I just have to say, I have no excuses for updating in ages! :( I'd started some stuff, but never really finished any until now. So hopefully I'll be getting those up soon, too!

Like it? Hate it? Let me know in a **review**. :)


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